Lost and Paranoid in Denton

i don't blog regularly, and when i do blog, it usually leans towards a funny story or a song i've been listening to a lot. however, i've got a lot on my mind and in my heart. it needs to be written out. and if someone has an opinion, it might be worth hearing. so i'll write somewhere that it might be seen.

christmas is fast approaching, and with it comes the end of the semester. i feel confident in my grades, which actually worries me more than if i were struggling. this confidence, on some level in my mind, encourages coasting to the finish. i need the grades to remain at unt. i'll be suspended if i don't make a 2.5 this semester.

with the end of the semester also comes the end of my current job. the 21st is approaching much faster than i thought it would, and i've realized i have no leads at all on a new job.

my financial situation is as poor as ever. my parents realized that, try as i might, i can't be completely self-sufficient on $9.25 an hour. so they asked me to create a detailed estimate on how much i spend on what, and then we would work together on a good dollar amount to give me each month to help support me and alleviate some of the stress i've been having. but we never really worked out the amount, and the way it's worked out so far is that i, again, ran out of my money before my next paycheck, and my dad has transfered minor amounts of money to me twice. so i'm still as stressed and still as broke. i really can't see how things are going to work out at this point in time.

i have an endless list of goals. i write out plans towards achieving them with realistic milestones along the way. i try to do them one at a time. but when it comes down to it, all i ever want to do is sit, and nothing gets done. the constant busyness of being a full-time student, working 28 hours a week, and trying to maintain relationships burns me out towards all three. i'm failing at all three.

everyone and everything that is supposed to be my support just seems to let me down. whether this is their fault or mine is yet to be determined. but more and more, the ends seem unattainable from the means, and i wonder what i'm doing at all. i wonder what the ends even are.

i had the most perceptible mood swing i've ever had saturday evening. i could literally feel my mood dropping in my body, falling into the all-too-familiar hole of depression. i remember thinking how short thanksgiving break felt after looking forward to it for so long. and i started to think about how close christmas break is. but when i thought of christmas break, all i thought of was loneliness. everyone will be gone, off with their families and old, familiar friends. i'll be here, finishing out my commitment to a job i'm already burnt out on.

i'm already paranoid about friends. i have some strange feeling that everyone i associate with actually can't stand me, and they put on the smiles out of pity and decency. this gets stronger everyday, and it's gotten to a point where i lay awake thinking about it.

summarized: i'm lost, tired, burnt-out, lonely, and paranoid. i can't see the light at the end of it all. i would go home, but i don't even know where home is anymore.