Lost and Paranoid in Denton

i don't blog regularly, and when i do blog, it usually leans towards a funny story or a song i've been listening to a lot. however, i've got a lot on my mind and in my heart. it needs to be written out. and if someone has an opinion, it might be worth hearing. so i'll write somewhere that it might be seen.

christmas is fast approaching, and with it comes the end of the semester. i feel confident in my grades, which actually worries me more than if i were struggling. this confidence, on some level in my mind, encourages coasting to the finish. i need the grades to remain at unt. i'll be suspended if i don't make a 2.5 this semester.

with the end of the semester also comes the end of my current job. the 21st is approaching much faster than i thought it would, and i've realized i have no leads at all on a new job.

my financial situation is as poor as ever. my parents realized that, try as i might, i can't be completely self-sufficient on $9.25 an hour. so they asked me to create a detailed estimate on how much i spend on what, and then we would work together on a good dollar amount to give me each month to help support me and alleviate some of the stress i've been having. but we never really worked out the amount, and the way it's worked out so far is that i, again, ran out of my money before my next paycheck, and my dad has transfered minor amounts of money to me twice. so i'm still as stressed and still as broke. i really can't see how things are going to work out at this point in time.

i have an endless list of goals. i write out plans towards achieving them with realistic milestones along the way. i try to do them one at a time. but when it comes down to it, all i ever want to do is sit, and nothing gets done. the constant busyness of being a full-time student, working 28 hours a week, and trying to maintain relationships burns me out towards all three. i'm failing at all three.

everyone and everything that is supposed to be my support just seems to let me down. whether this is their fault or mine is yet to be determined. but more and more, the ends seem unattainable from the means, and i wonder what i'm doing at all. i wonder what the ends even are.

i had the most perceptible mood swing i've ever had saturday evening. i could literally feel my mood dropping in my body, falling into the all-too-familiar hole of depression. i remember thinking how short thanksgiving break felt after looking forward to it for so long. and i started to think about how close christmas break is. but when i thought of christmas break, all i thought of was loneliness. everyone will be gone, off with their families and old, familiar friends. i'll be here, finishing out my commitment to a job i'm already burnt out on.

i'm already paranoid about friends. i have some strange feeling that everyone i associate with actually can't stand me, and they put on the smiles out of pity and decency. this gets stronger everyday, and it's gotten to a point where i lay awake thinking about it.

summarized: i'm lost, tired, burnt-out, lonely, and paranoid. i can't see the light at the end of it all. i would go home, but i don't even know where home is anymore.

MissingToof

I just want to make sure that everyone is spending a lot of time at MissingToof.com

This blog has endless amounts of music I've been wanting to learn more about since I was 10. Yeah, I've wanted to learn more about vulgar dance music since I was 10.

Vulgar song of the day? A new Spank Rock and Benny Blanco joint titled "Loose". They're going under the name of Bangers and Cash, and it's featuring Amanda Blank, so you know this one gets it goin' with the sailor talk. Click it, fools.

Basura - Bjorkyard Betty (Spank Rock vs. Bjork)

I was browsing over at missingtoof.com and found an excellent track that everyone needs to hear.

Spank Rock vs. Bjork.

Ballin'.

Click this link to the view the blog post, man.

Santogold

Revamping the site.

Music post?

Si.

"Creator" by Santogold


Right-click to save: Santogold - Creator

Politics

I've just been reading through some of the most idiotic political debates I've ever seen. In a facebook group titled "Hillary Clinton as President = Texas Seceding From the Union".

In the begining, all members of the debate try to put on an air of formality. They base everything on "facts", and write as if they were the hottest little shits this side of the Mississippi. But then they start getting into name calling and party bashing, ruining any type of credibility they may have gained for themselves.

The following quote comes from one Dan Garcia, who apparently is the President of the Brazos County Young Republicans. I point this out not to make sure that you, the reader, know he's a republican. Rather, I tell you this to make sure you know he is someone in a leadership position, quite possibly with hopes of entering the political arena some day.

Now, get the hell out of my precious State of Texas, you liberal hippie!

Way to be professional there, Dan.

This is why I hate politics.

Open your minds. And I speak towards all parties.

Cowbell

I don't want to fuck you.
I don't want to fight you.
I just need final confirmation
That I didn't miss my flight.

I'm not shallow.
I'm just lonely.

Run.
I'll be here.
Run.
It's the red eye's last call.